No dopamine found anywhere.

I’m so far down today I’m struggling to see the light. It’s been a fucked up few weeks. Starting the Thursday before my birthday.

One of my best friends died due to sepsis. Her partner was supposed to be her care giver, but he let a boil turn septic and kill her.

Let’s be honest I’ve not even dealt with that yet.

I then went to Memphis with my dear loving wonderful boyfriend. We had a wonderful time, except for Beale.

I’m still not sure what Happened but, I know while walking down the crowded street something caused the whole street to disperse like cockroaches when you turn on the light.

My dear boyfriend and I were separated in the fray, both going to the farthest area to avoid being trampled. Then in the minutes after when the confusion grew greatest but the danger was lessened, it was in those minutes that I couldn’t find him.

I screamed his name, louder and louder until I was frantic. Tears began to fall and then he was there. Wrapping me in his arms for the briefest of seconds before we rushed away from the party, from the uncertainty.

Once safe I took a long time to calm down. But he was safe, I did not lose him.

This just showed me the tiniest glimpse of what he’d lost before. It showed me I had never loved anyone the way I love him.

My birthday was the following Monday, and I spent it with he and his daughters. It was a wonderful day, the best I’ve had since I was a child.

It was back to work for two days then my father woke me on Thursday unable to breathe. I took enough time to pee throw on shorts and raced to the hospital with him, hazard lights flashing.

By the time I got to the hospital his oxygen levels were below 50%. They intubated him, he was placed on a vent, and for the next three days I didn’t know if he’d even live.

But he’s seemingly doing alright. Mdbf came to me and leant his support. Then I was back to work on memorial day.

My sister and my nephews are here so that when I go to work someone is still with my father, because he went from healthy to fighting for his life in less than six hours.

Work did not help during all of this, when they demanded over and over that I abandon my vigil for my father to come to work. No matter how many ways I told them I couldn’t they just kept saying I had to be there.

So I guess that’s the whole story. Aside from buying another rooster this weekend. I guess it’s no wonder I need some self care time this weekend.

L