grief

My best friend is getting married. I am so happy for her. I am distraught for her as well, as her grandfather died just after Christmas. But that lead to something far more personal, for me.

I always thought I’d be the first of ‘the grandchildren’ to get married. On both sides mind you. My “mother’s family” well, I was the eldest grand daughter of 3, Me, My brother, and my sister. I am older than my sister by 7 and a half years. and my brother by 4 almost exactly.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt I’d be married LONG before they would. I mean I’m older. But something made that not happen. Fate? The fact that I have the people abilities of a fruit fly? Nay I’d say a cock roach. No one wanted me. And if they did, I was wanted for a doormat, or a punching bag, or someone to fuck until someone better came along.

I never found anyone who wanted me. And believe me I’d have done just about anything to find that. Change myself? SURE. LOSE weight? Gain Weight? Take up sports…. well let’s not be too hasty. There was a brief stint in the backyard wrestling arenas in this state, but that was never about a guy.

I didn’t go “boy crazy” in high school. I was too centered on my music. I wanted to be a professional flautist. But carpal tunnel or somesort of nerve involvement stopped that.

I was too shy to be boy crazy. What if he liked me.. What if he didn’t. WHAT IF I DATED HIM AND THEN HE DUMPED ME.”

My cousin who was six years younger… She’d have a different boyfriend every 3 weeks. She was too busy in school to have a long term thing, and she wasn’t getting serious about anyone until she finished schooling. “She’s a doctor so apparently she knew what she was doing.”

But…

I wasn’t ever what anyone wanted. You hear years later “Man if I thought you liked me I’d have went out with you.”

That’s not anything I’ve ever actually heard. I was the original wallflower, blending into the fucking wallpaper.

It was easy to lose my self esteem. It happened all the time. NOt just picked last in gym, but picked last as a friend. Not picked to room with anyone on school trips, and I had to stay in my Aunt (a chaperone’s) room on the big BAND trip to San Antonio.

Most of the girls in band made it a point to NOT pick me. Even people I thought were my best friends talked to where i could hear them about how “She’s just so weird, and I don’t want her in our room, so ya ask so and so and see if they will room with us.”

So and so who smelled like cat urine, who ate rocks, who people made fun of mercilessly, that I would try to stand up for.

So yea most of my life I’ve accepted what I can get. In a friend, in a romantic encounter, in a one night stand.

I realized many years ago after yet another failed attempt at a relationship that I’d never get married. But then a coupling would go so right for a short amount of time and I’d think.. well maybe.. MAYBE this time. But alas no. They’d turn into an abuser, or cheat on me, or lie to me completely. Or in a couple of cases rape me.

So ya, I learned a long time ago I wasn’t marriage material. Hell I wasn’t even friend material most of the time.

So when my nanny died, and she’d met my boyfriend of a few months, and got to meet his kids.. And she thanked me for introducing her to them, and asked if I was happy. I could say yes Nanny, this time I’m really happy. And even though I’m grieving and bawling like a baby, I am still happy. They (not just him) they make me happy.

And I was an idiot this weekend and thought of how happy am I am for naomi and how sad I am knowing how she will feel about her grandfather not being there. and this all bubbled up and spilled out.

And I sure hope he knows i’m not pushing. Who knows he may never want to get married. I’m ok with that. I am perfectly content with staying where we are forever because he does make me happy. Far more than I have ever been before…

But then again, a wedding doesn’t mean hardly anything anymore. Because she won’t be there.

And I’ll stop now before I go into the fact that I’ll never be a mother. because that’s a whole other can of bullshit.