I don’t know… I just don’t know.

I’m so afraid I’ll screw this up.  I really like this guy.  Maybe more than I’ve liked anyone.  It’s fucking scary.  Do you hear that universe?  It’s fucking SCARY!  He makes me smile, with stupid images, with his sense of humor, with his overall being.

The touch of his hand is enough to make me feel safe.  A simple gentle kiss, turns me to mush.  It’s fucking scary.

I’m as happy to sit next to him and talk, as I am to hop into the sack, or .. yea I’ll keep this from being too gross, but the sex is amazing.  Like blow your mind amazing.

I could fall into a routine with him, and maybe that would be ok, but I don’t want to trivialize it.  I want to savor it.

I just don’t know what I’m doing at all.  I”m going to end up horribly hurt when it’s over.  i know this, you know this, fuck the universe knows this.  I’m scared enough I want to just run the hell away.  It’s so fucking scary.

I don’t know how he feels.  I mean he says he likes me, and he calls me beautiful, and he is wonderful, but maybe he just kind of likes me.  He just kind of likes being around me, and he is just with me because i’m available.  One sided would kill me.

Everyone says “just let it happen”  and I will, but that won’t stop me from fretting in my off hours, when I’m alone, and my head does it’s own thing.  It won’t stop me from getting hurt when it ends.  Whenever that may be, and it doesn’t stop me from making a complete idiot of myself at some point.

This whole dating thing is ridiculously hard.

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