I should have went to bed an hour ago, maybe two. I should have been home at least that long ago. But I wasn’t. I was with PC. (yes he’s still going to be prince charming for the time being, Mr. Awesome may change it later.. I don’t know)
Today started in panic, and fear. I went to the gynecologist due to never ending period of death. I knew what that meant. Another D&C and most likely never having children.
I wanted kids. I have been terrified since the period didn’t end. I’ve been here before, I’ve made the necessary thought processes, then I was told, “It’s ok you don’t really need those things.”
But alas, I’m back here again, bleeding out slowly, iron depleting, and it’s really causing a burden in the bedroom.
PC has been great with that. And that for one of many many reasons is why PC kind of fits…
He’s been sick however, and when sick he cocoons himself in a safety net in his room, as much for his own comfort, as to ward off spreading the plague like the rats in Europe. So when he was asleep last night, I spent the hours crying, scared, freaking out and alone.
My friends were out on a date, that turned into a three-way hang out with another friend. And I was alone, and terrified. No one knew, I didn’t tell them until I was far past the point of reason.
But I did send PC a message stating that I was scared about the appointment, and what would be said. His reply was wonderful. “Maddy, no matter what the outcome, this will make you healthy, and that is the most important thing right now.”
Simple, but perfect, and exactly what I needed to hear. He made me smile, through the tears I’d had all night.
Today at the doctor, my fears were confirmed. I will need the D&C and at the very least an ablation. I’ll never have my own children.
I went to lunch with some friends, then dinner with my super friend the nurse, and with PC, and with the nurses’ mini me.
Afterwards, PC and I spent about 2-3 hours just talking, kissing, and cuddling, in the car, because it’s where we were. He again reiterated what he sent me in the message.
“Maddy, it doesn’t matter. You have to be healthy. This is how it’s going to happen. There are other ways to have kids if that is what you want, but ultimately I want you to be ok.” He just looked into my eyes and the look was almost pleading.
He hugged me and then changed tactics. “Also, when I take you for steak, in the future, after all this over, you can just enjoy the steak, and not have to eat it for the iron.” and he grinned, that super cute grin of his.
I think I might be in trouble. Maybe… just a little bit. Because when he leaned close and kissed my forehead, something unlatched inside my chest a little bit. My heart grew.. or maybe some sliver of ice wound it’s way down and away from the wall around my heart. Either way, he might just hold a key to all the locks and barriers, and … and.. and…
Because gods damnit I like him. I really like him.
sidebar- He took my phone and blocked the YoungGun tonight. Partially because he knew I wouldn’t do it, and that having Younggun able to talk to me and plead his case, was hurting me…. But I kind of thing a little bit, was to stake his claim in a completely non threatening manner.
yea… PC makes me smile.