No one told me.

No one told me how hard it would be to say no.

I never knew anyone to fall that fast.

2 dates.

The 22yo the Young Gun, took 2 dates, and he was gone forever.  Planning the future, making sure that he was not just in lust, but in love.  How does this make sense.  I wouldn’t have done that at 22.

I should have known better, really.  I should have put my foot down to begin with and said “We are just going to be friends, dear.”  Because let’s be honest 15 years is entirely too much of an age difference.

But he was nice, sweet, and kind.  He thought I was beautiful, and that was nice.  But the moment he said he needed to prove to himself that he had more for me than just lust, I knew it was over.

He was a bit of fun to pass the time.  He was just a fling.  And it wasn’t fair to lead him on.

Oh lord, how I have danced around this subject for days.  I wanted to talk to him in person, and let him down gently.

But that became unavailable when he began to question how he went wrong.  When in truth, even with the fast feelings, the problem wasn’t him.  It was me.  I didn’t tell him that..

Because what is worse than being told, It’s not you, it’s me.  Even if that is the honest truth.  Nothing.  Nothing compares to that.

So I told him, that he wasn’t what I needed right now, and while true I wanted to tell him, I’m not what he needs.  But that would offer wiggle room.  Though more true.  I’m just too old, and he’s too young.  There are miles separating our ages.

He should find someone younger.  I found someone older…

I don’t know if it will last, I don’t know if we will become a thing, I just know that we are having fun on dates as of now.  But I have someone I’m very interested in, and he.. He is wonderful.

It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt that knee weakening, foot popping feeling, from a kiss.  All of those romance novels, all the movies that I’ve read, or watched.  They all said this could happen, but I thought it was bullshit.  I thought it was those weird little butterflies you get when you have a crush.

This is more like a slow burn, that cuts the circulation from your legs, and makes your head turn to jello.  The gentlest kiss can cause you to lose your very sense of where-with-all.  His hand in mine, can… just make me feel so centered.

THIS IS TERRIFYING.  It’s Date 5.

Date 5…..

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.  We might have a problem Will Robinson… We might just have a fucking problem.

I could see me barrel head first into a broken heart if I’m  not careful.  I could plan away fun times, and great nights….

And he calls me beautiful.  He’s said it to my face.  Not just in message.  He thinks I’m pretty…. And maybe I’m starting to believe it too…

I’m a pessimist, and I’m trying hard not to think of Murphy’s Law, or the fact that the other shoe has to drop sometime… But for right now IT’s a wonderful place that he makes me feel.

If I post this, it makes it real.  It makes all the emotions that I’ve been feeling more tangible.  I don’t know that I should.

I have been so panicked since I realized that I didn’t.. no that I couldn’t keep dating the young gun.  NO matter how nice, or sweet, it wasn’t fair to him.  It wasn’t fair to PC (short for prince charming.. I dont know what else to call him at the moment so freaking deal with it), AND ultimately it wasn’t fair to me.

I could choose to settle for young gun, and be miserable, and regret it.  Or I could let him go, and maybe end up in a relationship with PC.  Maybe we’ll just date and fizzle, but if I kept dating the other guy I knew I’d lose my chance.

Besides it was just over a week ago I’d told PC, that I didn’t want Crinkles, that I wanted him.  I meant it.  Lord did I mean it.  Crinkles was always a pipe dream, someone that looked way prettier than he actually was.

Crinkles however has become a great friend, and I’m glad to have him in my life.  I just don’t want him in my bed, or in my heart.  Not in that way.

But PC.  make me smile, and laugh, and feel things I thought I’d never feel again.

PC, has hurts and woes that make me want to wrap him cellophane, and keep him safe, but even if we end up together that’s not my place. I want to slap his last ex, for things she said.  I’d like to wring up his ex wife, for the things she did.  But again, those are not my jobs, and my anger will only cause issues, so I try to just not emulate those assholes.

He deserves someone great, and by all the gods, I’ll try to be that. And if he lets me, I’ll try so, so hard to never break his heart.   We’ll just have to wait and see how this plays out.

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