Weight 234.6 (I’ll weigh in the morning.)
Plan: Work, then gym.
In February I weighed 275lbs (in January before a bout of the stomach flu, I weighed 281). I start my weight loss ‘counter’ at 275, and because of that. I’ve lost 40 lbs.
40 lbs since February. I eat right. I go to the gym. I hang out with friends. I play boardgames. I have weeks when I can only get to the gym once a week. There are weeks I go 3 times. There are times where I can’t seem to walk a mile, and there are times I can walk 3.
I’m getting better all the time.
I have realized something. I gained the weight back after the last weightloss journey. ( (I totally hate that phrase, weightloss journey, but I have nothing better right now).
I left the abusive ass and I was destroyed. Inside I was a a mess of emotional baggage. I didn’t want to see anyone, and I didn’t want anyone to see me. I was lonely, I went on bad date after bad date. I started this blog.
This blog was my favorite part of my life for a long, LONG time. It still is, but it was the only thing that kept me going for many many months. I’d go on a bad date, and I’d write about it. I wouldn’t let it effect me down where it really did.
I would compartmentalize and I would make it ‘madison’s bad date.’ Instead of my own. And as much as Madison’s Blog is me, She’s this really important part of me. She can’t hold all of the bad all the time.
I started to eat. I became lazy. I refused to go to the gym, or walk, or do anything other than play video games, and eat crappy food that tasted ‘good’. I was surrounding myself in a pillow of ‘comfort.’ From people, some of which I no longer talk to, to food that was full of carbs, and fat, and trigylcerides. I’d over eat, and have heartburn after nearly every meal.
A normal day would likely net me well over 3000 calories, and I just didn’t care.
I was safe.
Let me say that again, so it can sink in.
What that means is, if I were as big as a house, no one would want to date me. I could live in a bubble of reality. I chose a guy well across the Country from me, to waste my time on. To ‘daydream’ of a future, to pretend with. He was nice at first, and I enjoyed the ‘contact’ even if it were through a phone, or a computer.
The weekend we spent together in Rochester was amazing. And I felt like someone might actually like me for me. And he might have. However, he too was just a safe place.
I didn’t have to move to New York to be with him, not right away. I could just speak on the phone, I could dream of a future. I loved the area he lived, and I was working to make it happen, but life has a funny funny way of fucking up on you.
That means even though I really cared for him, I was too ensconced in that bubble of safety to ever actually move. I should have known what was going on as I kept ballooning up and up in weight.
From 220 to 240 to 281.
Selfies are evil vile things.. Because with the right camera angles, even the person taking the photo can trick themselves into seeing their reflection as ‘not that bad’.
I have been terrified for a very long time.
TERRIFIED. Not just uncomfortable, or scared, or even shy, with a huge lack of self-esteem. TERRIFIED.
I still am. Men scare me.
The thing with Crinkles, while probably not healthy, has been a fun foray into the world of remembering what it is like to not be afraid of all men. (Ok so maybe FUN wouldn’t be the right word.) But none-the-less, I’m not afraid around him.
IT might be that he’s not interested, because other guys still put the fear of Wolverine in me, but I digress, it’s a step.
Last week, in the gym, I made a stunning discovery.
I have lost weight.
I have lost a LOT of size.
And through that I have gained a lot of self-confidence back.
I’m not through it. I’m not over it, I’m still dealing with it. But I’m coming back.
I get up in the morning, early enough to do my hair, fix my face, don my ears (meow), and face the day. I cook a breakfast, I eat, I have a coffee, and I wake up, get dressed and go to work.
Many days, especially those when I’m feeling down, and those happen regularly. I will take a selfie. I might drop my chin, I might cock my head, but the days of holding the camera super high to hide how fat I am, are over. I take a selfie, with the biggest, TRUEST smile I can, and I tell my facebook friends something.
Today’s “WE got this! Happy Monday Guys!”
I get down when I stop running.
Some day that statement may mean something completely different, but as I try NOT to have an off day, a day where I don’t have something planned. Mostly it’s boardgames, and the gym, and when I’m home alone, or even if I’m with my dad, I just fall in on myself.
All those years tread back, they take over, and I don’t want to live in the past. So I keep pushing myself. I keep fighting it, and I will get over this.
I know at some point I have to deal with the past. And I do, a little at a time, here on this blog.
I have floppy skin already. I’ve worked so hard to gain muscle tone, and I have done that as well, I don’t like it. Where as before I was just big and bulbous, now I have floppy fat. It will get better. I know it will, but it doesn’t mean I like it.
However, I have lost so much size. I was a 26+ (they didn’t fit hardly at all). I am now a size 18. I need to lose more. I will lose more. I will keep going to the gym. I will keep adding muscle mass, and losing fat, because that’s what its’ about afterall, not just the number on the scale.
Guys, I don’t know how to talk to guys. I’ve never really had to do it much before. I was never confident. I’ve never felt pretty enough, and pretty much I always felt that they were making fun of me.
Suddenly, as my self confidence has come back, as I’ve gotten smaller, and a little more self assured. I find myself with new experiences, like guys liking me.
I had a very nice looking man tell me that he thought I was very attractive. He then said “he wouldn’t kick me out of bed for eating crackers.” And as it was something his mother always said, it seems to have been high praise indeed.
This post was sporadic, it was supposed to be uplifting about losing weight.. I think I lost the point a bit in here, but if you’ve read this far. Thanks!