Mood: Anxious but hopeful
I am Beautiful.
I was at the gym last night, I just finished a mile on the treadmill, and after filling my metal tumbler full of water, was walking towards the weight machines. I was doing arms, chest, and back.
I have this problem of watching ahead of me. I stare at my feet. It’s due to low self esteem, but I tend to pay enough attention in the peripheral to NOT run into anyone.
A girl who I thought was pretty small walked in front of me. I thought one day I’ll be her size! and then as she walked away I looked ahead. There in the mirror of the Planet Fitness Wall. The one that stretches on for days and days, I saw myself. All of me for the first time since I started this journey.
I was clothed, I didn’t have to see all the imperfections, nor the fat rolls that hang wherever they may. I just saw what people see when they look at me.
I was smaller than the girl I just thought wasn’t too big.
I was smaller.
I’m getting a little teary eyed again. I’ve done a lot of work since starting this.. I’m nowhere near done, but I have literally carved away 5 pants sizes, easily 5. Maybe 6, as the 26’s I was wearing were too tight when I started.
I’ve boxed up/bagged up all my clothes that no longer fit and gave them away. My scrubs are at the house waiting to go to another person, when I find someone that needs them.
But I, even with all the differences in size, did not realize how much I had already done.
I did not let that deter me from my upper body workout. I put it out of my mind, and did my reps/sets, then I gathered my things and went out to my car.
During my entire workout I kept thinking, “It has to be a funhouse mirror, that’s the only reason I looked that small. It’s angle, and lighting, and… Funhouse mirror technology.” So when I sat down in my car. I called a friend. No answer.
I tried another friend who also made use of Planet Fitness. again. No answer.
Now I, as an atheist, do not go to church. It’s kind of part of the whole atheistic lifestyle, since I don’t believe in any gods. So the fact that it was Wednesday didn’t mean a whole lot to me.
I finally got ahold of someone about halfway home, and she said that ‘not to her knowledge were the mirrors any different than any other mirror, why?’ So I explained this to her.
I polled numerous people after that. The same thing came back with resounded aplomb.
So I suppose this means I have actually shrunk effectrively, and the person that was staring back at me with the wide eyes, slack jawed stare, was … well.. me.
With this realization came another more important one.
When I was first told that ‘someone’ wasn’t interested in me. I took the stance that something had to be wrong with me. It had to be my size, my face, something to do with me. However, I don’t know that that’s the case any longer.
I now wonder what’s wrong with him. I have done nothing to be unwantable. If he still doesn’t like me, that’s his bad. That’s all on him.
I am awesome. I am a great friend. I’ll hold your hair while you vomit, I’ll hold your hand when you need it done, and I’ll be frank as all hell when you need that as well.
If he doesn’t want me. Fuck him. Any He, Any Him. Hell Any Her. I don’t need them. As a friend once said “You are your only true MVP.” And he’s right. I am the queen of my own happiness, my own life. I am the president. I can either be happy or depressed, and how they feel about me means fuck all.
I’m not done. I’m not finished. I need to lose more, but it’s for me. As it has always been. I will be the me I want to be again, and this time it’ll stick. And if Crinkles can’t see me for who I am, if I’m too much or not enough, that’s on him.
I actually feel bad for him. He’s missed out on a great person, someone that loves unconditionally, because he ‘isn’t interested’. He’s too hung up on someone that left. And well I’m still here.
I’ll be here, until I’m not. That’s at my discretion.
I still want to get below 200. I want to be fit, not thin. I want to be happy. I’m the only one who can obtain that.