May the 4th be with you

May the 4th be with you.

The weather is wet.

My weight is unchanged from yesterday.

Still weighing in at 237.8  Which is drastically down from 275.

I found a photo from 2013 after the AAA had finally departed my life.  I don’t know if I weighed 275 then, but I looked as if I’d eaten two of me.

Now I look much better.  That’s something to be proud of.

Yesterday after work, I needed to hit the ATM so i went across the street to the local shop.  An ex coworker is working there now, and as I walked up to the counter, with an ear bud in my ear, listening to something to make me deaf, I heard her voice, but could not understand her.

So I pulled out the headphone, and asked her “What?”

She exclaimed ‘You are ignoring me!”

“NO.. No!  I’m not, I just couldn’t hear over the voices in my head… The headphones.. get it?” (cue my corny sense of humor for the win).

“Uh, huh.”

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said Look at you Hot Mama!”  I’m pretty sure I blushed, but I don’t think I rolled my eyes.  my Thanks though muffled was genuine.  “I saw the pic the other day from 2013!  You have lost a LOT!  You look amazing!”

Compliments make me feel awkward, but she’s right.  I do look amazing.  I will continue to look more amazing until I reach Ultimate Amazing!  OR at least that’s the plan 😀

Because I am worth it, not to quote a silly add, but I am worth it.  I am worth the hours at the gym to make myself look better, and feel better.  I am worth having a loving relationship with myself.  Not just with someone else.  I deserve to be happy damnit.

Something else that I should start repeating, and then believing.  I didn’t ask to be raped.  I didn’t ask to be taken advantage of.  I didn’t ask to have friends who only wanted to hang out with me because I could offer them something in exchange for my friendship.  I deserve people that actually want to hang out with me.

I have that now.  I have friends that actually enjoy my presence.  Not just put up with me because it’s convenient. How was it put yesterday?  Oh yes. Fair Weather Friends.

Not all those friends are readily available, being far away, but some are closer.   Some are just the next town over, and those are good friends as well.  I feel pretty lucky about that in and of itself.

In the past week I’ve said goodbye to someone I thought of as a very dear personal friend, but alas, when she withdrew her friendship, I realized how much I did and how much was expected.  Had she done things without provocation? yes.   Had I? Also yes, but so many times I’d go over to hang out, and it would turn into shopping trips for her business, and while I don’t mind going to hang out with her, it wasn’t a lot of fun to go shop for clearance items to sell on Amazon for a huge markup.

I’ve had the ability to pick the worst friends in existence time and time again.  I am working to pick better people to know, and deal with.

I deserve better.  I don’t know what flip switched when I couldn’t go the therapist, but Batman Damnit I deserve better.

I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be loved.  I deserve to love.  I deserve to pick the right person, not just a right now person.  I am beautiful.

I am pretty. I am cute.  I am sexy.  I am smaller than I was.  I am someone.  I am not to blame.  I am not to blame.

I am not to blame.  I feel that needed repeated a few times.  I need to really hear that one.  It was not my fault.  I said no.  They didn’t listen.  They refused to stop.

I am not to blame.  I expected that they would treat me with respect, and instead they treated me like trash.  Like something to be used and discarded.

I am not to blame.  I shouldn’t have to deal with it the rest of my life.  So I am going to change.  I am going to be better than I was.  I will not be afraid of everyone.  I will do better.

I am a survivor.  I will start behaving like one.  Not like someone that has been debilitated by it.  I will be a warrior for the cause.  my cause.. me.  I will fight to become who I once was.  I will never be as trusting, but I can get back nearly there.

And if someone doesn’t like the new me, they can go eat a bag of dicks.

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2 thoughts on “May the 4th be with you

Add yours

  1. That is amazing. Losing weight is tough. I’ve been working on it but my love for food sometimes take over. Keep up the good work! 😊👍

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