Well there goes that great idea. I was going to go see a therapist, because of … reasons. But alas! I do not have 200 dollars to blow at the person who lets me do exactly what I do here, for free. No I don’t have anyone giving me ‘advice’ but I can hash out the bullshit here for free.
So bare with me.
The reasons I was going are varied, and well probably not as many as I feel. I have no self esteem. I will be working on that by giving myself compliments EVERY DAY. Here on this blog. (i’m sorry, if it gets out of hand you don’t have to read them all). Every post I make should have some sort of compliment. Even if I have to dig deep, like “I like my hair today.” (I did like it this morning, and though it’s raining.. AGAIN, it’s holding up well to the humidity!)
I was going due to the PTSD of Rapes and the AAA and what that did to me. But again, I’m just going to have to work through it on my own.
Instead of “I’m not pretty enough, I”m too broken. NO one will ever like me.” I will now have to give myself the inner speech of “I am pretty. I am cute. I am enough.. I’m not so broken as I was yesterday, and each day will be better.”
As far as the fear of men. I think I just have to force myself to get back out there and go out with SOMEONE. Maybe go home with someone. And once that goes well, MAYBE I’ll feel up to doing it again, and again, until it’s not longer this gnawing monster in the center of the room.
I will keep writing poetry, because it makes me happy. Yes the sad sappy bullshit poems, make me happy. Even the scary, or depressing ones. It’s a way to vent my frustration, anger, and fear.
I am beautiful, and you know what if someone doesn’t see that, then that’s there problem. Not mine. Oh it might hurt to know I’ve been rejected, but there are other fish to fry. errr.. Fish in the SEA. That’s right.
No more self deprecating humor, as that goes over like a brick. Literally, it got me given ‘the look of disapproval’ and I don’t much care to see it again on anyone’s face.
Which means I need new material.. snap snap.
I will keep losing weight, working out, and feeling better all the time. Someone once said the Gym is a great Therapist. (don’t typo that word.. trust me)
Anywhoo, long story short. I have a lot of work today, both physically (because i’m so not there yet). And emotionally. But I can do it.