Just thoughts

He smiles and takes her hand, holding it tight within his grasp.  Speaking sweet nothings against her hair, and holding her to him so their hearts beat as one.  His voice is gentle, deep, a rumble as he professes all the things they will do today, tomorrow, whenever.  And she is happy for the first time in a long time.

Joking, laughing, smiling, planning, all the things that make a life together great.  Little inside jokes that mean so much, and so little to anyone else. He grins the half cocky self assured smile, as she catches that little rib betweenst them.

Across a room he can make her heart flutter, and settle in an instant.  He can bring a smile to her face, and joy to fill her up to the point of giddiness.

His lips can hold both promises of the future, and sweet torment, and she revels every time he uses them.  She’s happy to spend a second in the same vicinity as he, no matter what the outcome.

She’s the lucky one, she knows love.

She.  Is. Not.  Me.

 

I stand outside the window staring in at a world I can not hope to obtain.  I flounder around like a fish, grasping at what to say as to not offend or offer any hope for a future.  I know my place well.

I have always known my place.  I’m just a slut.  The girl you call when you need an itch scratched.  Any You, not a particular one.

I’m that girl.  I’m the girl that’s not quite cool enough to date, or good enough to waste a significant amount of time on.  I can claim that as a right.

I can be ok with this lot in life.

What I can not be again is a doormat.  The woman that you beat, mold, demolish with words and fists. I will find my backbone.  I will be the person I once was, both in body and mind.

It may take a lot of therapy.  It may take a lot of tears, and sweat, and even blood. But By god I’ll get myself back.. NO fuck getting myself back.. I will be better than I was.

I may not ‘look’ better, but I will be better.  I won’t settle for some guy, I will choose a man.  I will do what I need to do to make sure I am the best me I can be.

I still think “love yourself or no one else will love you.” Is Bullshit.

I don’t even LIKE myself most days, love is far from occurring, but I don’t know why that would have any precedence on someone else caring for me.

I am working on not detesting myself so much, but that’s nothing to do with someone else loving me, and everything to do with not hating me.

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