Not Supposed To

I’m not supposed to like him.
Not even a little.

Let’s be honest, he’s not that attractive.  He’s just this guy I know.  He’s a bit portly, and he has nice arms.. (oh wait, that’s not what this is about.  this is why I shouldn’t like him.)  He’s full of him self, self assured, cocky, hell he might even be an asshole. (maybe that’s why I like him, I do seem to have a penchant for assholes).  He doesn’t like me, well he said “I’m not interested.”  and “I shouldn’t have to feel bad for not being attracted to a person.”

And then turns me on my head to ask me to screw him.  I realize men don’t have to be attracted to a woman to screw them.  If it’s a warm wet hole, they can plug it. Hell some men can plug warm dry holes, or cool rubber ones.  Why would he need to interested in me to do that.

He barely gives me the time of day.  I can do better.  Or maybe I can’t. But I’m not supposed to like him.  And it fully ANGERS ME beyond REASON, that I do.  In fact I don’t think I liked him at all, not an actual like, until he said he wasn’t interested.

This is what I’m not allowed to talk about anymore.  The fact that it confuses me, that it maddens me, and saddens me to no end that I’m as attracted to this idiot as I am.

I’m not supposed to hate myself.  I’m not supposed to think that I’m hideous, and unlovable.  I’m not supposed to say how fat I am, or that I am worthless.  But these are all thoughts I have daily.  DAILY.. bah!  That’s an understatement.  I can have these thoughts in seconds, and then they swim back into view in a minutes notice.

I’m not supposed to feel unlovable.  I’m not supposed to crave affection so badly.  These are things that my friends keep telling me.  And while I guess they all mean well, it doesn’t help.  Telling me all this shit does nothing for the fact that it’s true in my soul (if I had one).

I have no nose.  I’m almost like Voldemort.  I mean it’s THERE, but it’s tiny.  I swear it never grew past the age of 3.  I have high cheek bones, and no chin.  I have no profile.  Tiny eyes, they are pretty eyes, but they are tiny.

I’m bulbous and lumpy, no definitive curves per say, just fat lumps of lard.  I’ve lost 30ish lbs, and I’m stuck at this same damn 240-245.  I now have definition in my biceps, but that doesn’t mean I’ve ‘gained muscle and lost fat’ it just means I’m fucking stuck and still fat.

I’ll likely be fat if I weighed 140.  I will never like me.  No one else ever has either, why should I?

Yes I realize part of this is because of the abusive asshole, but damn it a portion of it stems back to high school, and junior high.  To the guy who wanted to see down my bathing suit.  To the kindergarten teacher that yelled at me for playing doctor on the playground.  She actually made me feel like I was a whore, and that she would tell my parents how dirty a girl I really was.

Yes, sometimes shit you say to a kindergartner sticks forever. And even today I think about it.  I know it was stupid and all kids do it, and I was no worse than every other kid out there.

The guy who held me down and tried to have his way with me when I was 14.  Who I proceeded to knee in the nuts and run away, having my dad come get me from my friends and take me home.

To the kids in school who put out a rumor that I’d give a guy head, just so he would fucking talk to me.

The guy who forced his hand in my pants while I was on my period, and proceeded to tell the entire Mcdonald’s that I stunk.

The guy who broke up with me in a letter on the school bus, so he could date a girl who would ‘put out’ (she wouldn’t and didn’t, but he thought she would).

The guy who dumped me because I was too clingy, or I expected that he cared for me?  The one who lived with his mother at 24 and still does.

The guy who raped me.  When I said No, and meant NO, and he didn’t stop.  When I decided it wasn’t comfortable, and begged and pleaded, and died a little inside.

The guy who forced his way into my hotel room, and forced me to have sex with him, when I didn’t want it.  When I wanted it to stop.

To the guy I supposedly was going to spend forever with, that shoved his dick inside my ass, with me screaming at him to stop.

To the guys that ghost because they just wanted a fucking hook up instead of being honest.

To the guys that call me beautiful to get me to do shit for them.

To the guy who couldn’t keep it up, twice, and somehow made me feel it was even more my fault.

To the guy who disappears and winds back up.. married.

To the guy that wants to be with me, as a paycheck.

I didn’t date in high school.  I wanted to go to prom with a gay friend, but my mother put a kabash on that. She was afraid I’d get into some sort of trouble… With a guy who only wanted… other guys?

I started retreating into the bandroom early.  I had ‘friends’ in band, but none of them wanted to share a hotel room with me.  They didn’t actually like me at all. I stayed with my aunt on trips, because I wasn’t liked enough.

After High school was no better.  I spent nights at bars singing karaoke, hoping someone would feel sorry enough for me to dance with me. (never happened). NO matter how good a mood, or how great I looked, no one has ever wanted me.

So I ask you Why is it any wonder that I am alone, depressed, and just fat?  No one

NO ONE

NO ONE  is able to look at me without wanting to vomit.  At least no one that I’ll ever be interested in.

And you ask me why I’m not supposed to think these things? I don’t know… But I do think them.  I think them ALL the time.

Whats more, I think worse things, darker things, painful things, red things.

All the Fucking Things.

 

 

 

 

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