darkness

I am always there when someone needs someone to talk to.
I’ll let them ramble on and on, about whatever is getting them down, and if that’s not what they need I’ll let them ramble on and on about anything else.

But when I spend all day imagining how much better it would be if I didn’t exist.  When I spend ALL FUCKING DAY listening to the Deezer app on my phone finding the saddest songs I can find, because I just need to live there for awhile.

When this happens and I need to talk to someone, what do I get?  Nothing.  I get NOTHING.  (one friend spoke to me at length on crinkles, one about everything else.)  But what do I need?

I need someone to figure out HOW to make me not so depressed.  How to make it so I don’t think it’s better to disappear, how I’m not the biggest waste of space on this planet.

I’m ugly.

I’ve said this before, someone will “no you’re not.”  And they think they’ve done their job.  “oh i have told Maddy she’s not hideous today.”  But when you KNOW it down deep into the very inner pieces of you, that doesn’t help.

In fact it seems as if you are mocking me by saying it.

So I don’t want to hear “oh you are pretty!”  or the even better statement “You are pretty INSIDE and OUT.”  that’s what we tell ugly people to make them feel better. I know I tell it to myself ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I’m broken on the inside.  and I’m fugly on the out.

 

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