Who am I anyway?

Am I the fun girl I think I am?

I’m unequivocally a geek.  I love geeky things, board games, scifi, cons, I fall haplessly in love with fictional characters.  Does this make me who I am, or is it just one aspect?

I am not a hick.  I may live in the south, but that does not make me the hillbilly or the bumpkin that populate this area.

I’m cute.  I hear that day in and day out.  “You are so cute, Madison!  There are tons of guys that would die to date you.” pfft. I CALL SHENANIGANS!!  SHENANIGANS I TELL YOU!  No one wants the still rotund, cute girl.  They want barbie.

I suppose that’s a step up right?  I can admit that I’m cute.  I’m not some hideous swamp creature!  Of course naked is another story, but I’ll cross that bridge if and when I ever have to.

I stayed dormant waiting on an asshole in NewYork… I stayed because it was safe, and I didn’t have to worry about anything.  It was a safety thing.  BUT it was also a cop out.  I shouldn’t have stayed at all, He never once gave a shit.. not ONE shit for me.  He never said he loved me.  He barely fucking liked me, let’s call it what it is.  I was easy.  Not in the screw and do sort of thing, but that I didn’t need a lot of work put into to make it work.

I waited and waited, and he never even said I was cute.  He never said I was pretty, or beautiful, or even attractive.  I was just a person he could call his girlfriend. And I took it because it is all I was do.

No more.

Do you hear me?  I mean it.  NO ABRACAFUCKING MORE.  I am worth so much more than someone’s afterthought.  Do I hook up with the guy?  Sure, why the fuck not.  It gets me something out of the deal.  Do I do it because he so graciously asked?

Not just no but HELL NO. IF I do this, It’s because I alone want to do it.  It’s to take back part of myself that has been dormant for 3 fucking years.  It’s because maybe I don’t want to feel absolutely disgusting naked.

Is there more than sex there? YES.  A Billion times yes.  But not in that relationship sort of way.  There’s the power that I will get back by making another person feel good.  The excersize aspect is nice as well.  And then the stress relief of release. And don’t we all deserve to feel good sometimes?

And then afterwards I’ll get dressed, make my leave, and go home. Alone.  Blissfully alone, to sleep in my own bed without the sound of a chainsaw, and back to my normal life.

But does that make me a certain person or just part of the whole.  Who am I really?  I’ve been a pair of tits before.  When I was 23 or so, I’d spend so many nights at bars, and I’d have men buy me drinks, hit on me, some even managed to take me home, because I had these impressive tits.

None of them ever wanted more than one night, and I knew that going in.  Why would it be different now?  Other than the baggage that I have strapped on me at all times?

At what point do you look back at the rape and say “Mother fucker I’m over it.  You can’t have this power over me anymore?”  Or the Alcoholic Asshole that beat me, and berated me for years.  When do you say “I’m good out here thanks.”  Well maybe that’s not the right phrase, I’ve been good ‘out here’ for a long time.   I need to be good being me again.

So Fuck it.  I choose today.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life. (oh god that’s so fucking tired.)  But yea, I choose today.  I don’t mean the next guy that propositions me I’ll just jump his bones, but maybe.. Maybe there’s a guy that I can be friends with and hook up with.. Maybe there’s a clean guy that is FUCKMENOW hot, and I think sure, why the hell not.  But… Even if Today is the Future and all that shit, I have to be more cautious after the past… So maybe not.

So yea, I’m cute.  I’m working towards less potatoey, and I’m leaving the past.. in the past.   That’s my plan for the weekend… What say you?

2 thoughts on “Who am I anyway?

Add yours

  1. It seems like you have a lot of negative emotions/memories that you’re ready to let go of. You might want to look in to EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – if you haven’t already. It seems cheesy and weird but I have found it amazingly helpful in dealing with my issues. It’s like really good free therapy that you can do yourself in the privacy of your own home. Anyway, I apologize in advance if this suggestion annoys you. When I first learned about it I got all excited about sharing it with people and the response was not so positive. Most people aren’t ready to acknowledge that they have issues I guess. I don’t know. Enjoy your weekend. 🙂

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