not a good day

Another day another dollar, right?  Why do I feel the need to find a therapist?  This blog has worked so well in the past to help me past the depression gnawing at me from all angles.

But today, today is not a good day.  I need someone to listen when I talk, someone to help me figure out the stupid blackness that keeps causing claustrophobia.

I actually need… dare I say… help.

I’ve had such a bad time of relationships in the past, and I generally turn to the internet, and food to get by.  I call friends up, I write a blog, I do what I have to do to get by, but now.  Now I keep slipping into anxiety fueled attacks when people show any interest in me at all.

Romantic.  Friendship.  It doesn’t matter.  I think and over think.  I refuse to speak, I speak too much.  Everything is swimming in front of my face.   I don’t know what to do.

Men message on Facebook, and within the first few conversations start calling me baby.  This causes great GREAT anxiety.

Guys from high school add me on Facebook and start talking about hanging out, and I get twitchy and scared.

I feel as if I need to physically RUN away from every encounter. Distance myself from every person that pushes their way into my life, in any fashion.

“How are you today, Madison?”  I just want to scream back “LEAVE ME ALONE” and they are only being nice, being kind, caring about me.

But inevitably, every guy that has added me to Facebook, somehow ends up with the sex talk firmly implanted.  And while it doesn’t bother me to say that it’s been 3 years since I last had sex, it DOES bother me when they seem to make me a charity case.

I’m not pretty I know that, the most I’ll ever get from anyone is “You are cute.”

I have heard that my whole entire life.  From childhood on.

Maybe I’m not good enough.  Maybe I’m just a bad person, and that’s why I’m alone, and unable to form an attachment to any guy.  Maybe I’m gun shy, scared, ridiculous.

So yea, I need a therapist, not a friend to play one, not just a blog.  Today is not a good day.

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