And the shoe drops.

So tonight was fun, we played a few good games, and I lost.  ABYSMALLY lost.  I’m ok with that, it’s the game that’s fun, not the win.  It’s the fact that I get to be friends with people, not the fact that i’m still alone right?

I actually like being alone, not lonely, that happens sometimes, but alone isn’t half bad really.

BUT….

And it’s  a big one.

I don’t know if I can be friends with Crinkles.  I know you all told me long ago, that it was impossible.  And 90% of me feels that we will still be good friends.  We talk from time to time, and he still has shown me more interest than the last relationshit that I’ve wasted time on.

That means HE can be a friend.  He might not be a great friend, and he’s never going to be more than just an ok friend.  That’s were it gets murky for me.

Now that he’s NEVER going to be an option, he’s unobtainable, and that means I can smile a little bigger when i’m around him.  I can take pleasure in spending time with him, and while this is all good and for all intents and purposes, perfect.   It’s more and less than I want.

I’m not sure I’ll ever find anyone that I find worthy to be with.  Maybe I’ve jumped the shark, and decided my too few points in a proper mate are way too low, and I need far more things in a mate.

Unfortunately, one thing that doesn’t change, is 1.  He must like me.  And Crinkles barely tolerates me.

(Sidebar:  I’m not crying, I’m not sad, I’m just writing what’s going threw my head, I’m fine.)

Ok so maybe I’m not ok, Maybe I am sad, but I’m not crying.  I’ll be fine.

I unlike the rest of my friends kept saying that it would never happen. I do not fall in lust with just anyone of course.  I have it happen with the most unobtainable, the guy that i shouldn’t want, or be with.  It’s an ongoing issue.

I do not want a guy that has dunlap disorder.  I do not want a guy on disability.  I DO NOT WANT AN ASSHOLE.  I don’t want someone who stinks. Showers are a must.  I want an intelligent person, if you can not string together words to create a paragraph, OR EVEN A FUCKING SENTENCE. It’s not going to happen. They have to like me.  That like needs to eventually slide into love at some point.

I can’t handle a long distance bullshit fest again.  I need someone who is an adult and has adult thoughts and aspirations.  (that does not mean board games relegate them to undatable)

I want someone who enjoys spending time with me, someone not afraid to sit next to me and just fucking sit.  I want a real deal.  I’m not going to find it.  I’m never going to find it looking like I do.  I’m cute. I’ve always been cute, and the more I lose (weight) the cuter I get.

I’ll keep working on that, going to and from the gym at least 2-3 times a week, and I’ll eventually tone up and look better still.  I keep working at it, and maybe one day I’ll not feel that I look like Jabba’s older fugly fat sister.

___

Sidebar:  I joined a singles group on Facebook.  I think that that was a mistake.  I could use it for the ‘confidence’ boost, IF i had any confidence to start with, but we all know that is not the case.

I actually have had anxiety attacks since joining the group.  I’ll likely leave the group in the very short future.


(back to Crinkles)

So yea, i might not be able to be his friend, because I like him AND THAT PISSES ME OFF.

But it’s his loss really.

I can be wonderful, friendly, silly, geeky, punny, funny, smart, cute, goofy, creative, BRILLIANT, Stupid, cunning, brave, angry, amazing, and every other damn thing a person can be.  I can be everything, and maybe one day I’ll be something for someone.

For the most part I don’t care if that ever happens.  But today it’s hard to see that. I can still pull apart the interactions with Crinkles, but I will not, because i know that’s not what they are.  I knew it before, and I have heard it from the horses fucking mouth now.

So give me this day to feel shitty, sad, and lost.  I’ll be better in the morning.  Or the day after that… a month after that.  someday.

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