Feels.. All the stupid feels.

I can close my eyes and still see you.  Not your face, but your essence, the very thing that drew me to you in the first place.  I now know you feel nothing for me, but it does change the fact that I enjoy your presence.  I enjoy speaking with you at length, and I want to be your friend.

Unfortunately, you are not the guy I thought you were, You can not look past the extra lbs, and the hideousness that is me to see the great person I am inside.  I’m not the ‘right’ shape or size, and therefore I’m not good enough.

I get it.

I don’t like me much either.

But knowing what I know now, should that not change the way I see you when I close my eyes?

Alas, it does not. I still see the crinkles, the eyes, the heart, the soul.  I still see the wounded guy who needs friends.. But maybe, ah just maybe, I do see you differently.

I see that you can’t look past my flaws and see the person beneath.  I see that I’m not good enough, but not due to who I am, but what I look like.  I can change how I look, but you, oh no, you will never be able to change who you inherently are.

And for the most part that’s a great guy that’s been hurt.  But there’s that portion of you that is an asshole.  I’ve had enough assholes.

 

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