It didn’t happen over night. The constant berating, the yelling, the fighting, the tearing down of my very existence. The hurtful words, the name calling, the hair pulling, the hitting. None of it started at once.
It took months, and even years before I wised up. It’s taken far longer before I realized the ramifications of his indoctrination.
I don’t dress up anymore. I don’t mean in a dress and heels, I mean I don’t put on a shirt that fits me, I don’t wear something that hints (flaunts) that I have female anatomy. I don’t go out to anywhere that it is applicable to wear it. I don’t live.
For the past three years I have lived in the shadow of a fake relationshit, with a fake person. Someone that lived through the computer, who was safe, and far enough away that I did not have to worry of tomorrow, only day dream it’s existence.
Why? Because I was safe. I didn’t have anyone telling me I was:
1. having a stroke for having a differing opinion than he did.
2. Stupid for not voting republican in the election, or for putting that Muslim Obama into office.
3. Unable to wear that outfit or this one, because it looked ridiculous. I couldn’t wear anything attractive, I got into a t-shirt mentality, and I have stayed there.
4. Don’t sing: It’s not that you can’t sing, I just don’t want to hear you, you don’t sing MY kind of music. (he only listened to hair bands, I do some hair band)
5. Don’t. I’m just going to say this here… If I enjoyed it, it was forboden. Minecraft, XBOX, ANY TV SHOW OTHER THAN DOCTOR WHO. He even forbade me from watching DOCTOR WHO without him there, that is not just new episodes, it was all episodes.
So, I’m still fighting that stigma. I wore a shirt that showed a bit of the girls last night, it could have shown so much more, but I was not looking to be indecent, just to wear something that showed off the 30.8# of weightloss. It did that nicely, and apparently I have a little sex appeal?
The guys married or not, “attracted to me” or not, all were flummoxed and flabbergasted. The words turned from serious boardgaming, to hilarity as rudely worded body parts joined our conversation. I actively hurt today from laughing.
Now, Off like a Rocket to spend the day with the nephew, he informed me earlier this week that I would be spending the night at (hims) his house, on Friderday, afterall.
Peace out Cubscouts