So after my angry tirade, I felt something i did not expect to feel. Peace. I was happy that I’d gotten it off my chest, and I felt that I could actually have a true friendship with Crinkles. Time will tell of the later, but the former is still true. I’m happy.
I don’t live in abject terror, that one of my southern terms of endearment will sneak out and ruin the careful ruse that I have placed to protect my feelings.
But something even bigger that I hadn’t realized would happen, is that I’d find something i lost nearly a decade ago, in a relationshit full of “you’re having a stroke,” “You’re crazy,” “Why in the world would you wear THAT. It looks like shit, take it off.”
I found a backbone. I found myself. I’m worth way more than he can afford. I’m not bought by fun and frivolities. My self worth is at least worth the pretense of affection, and respect.
For someone that claims to be so liberal and Pro-thought, Pro-Womens Rights, and Pro-everything. He was seriously lacking in not only couth, but the general respect I deserve.
Instead of cowering in fear, or just taking it. I stood up and regained a portion of the me I was before. I’m slowly transforming the outside back to who I was before, I should also be working on the inside, after all that is why I’m not interested in a relationship. Until I am worthy of my own affection, why would I allow anyone else to pretend to care.
I am Intelligent. I am not suffering a stroke for offering a differing opinion.
I am caring. Sometimes so much that it hurts.
I am a good damn nurse. I like my job, and I love my patients.
I am empathic. I tend to feel a bit of what other’s feel, and when they hurt I need to fix it, to stop the shared pain. Their pain, and the pain I feel for them.
I am kind. I will often take the backburner to other people, because they need something more than I do. But I will no longer be the spineless thing that had become.
I am cute. I’m not breathtakingly beautiful, I’m not hideous. I’m cute. Some people don’t even get to cute. Some people are ‘manly’ or ‘handsomely’, some are ‘homely’ and some are just ‘beautiful’. Looks do not define us, it’s just part of who we are for now.
I am an ever changing version of me, and I will the best me at any given moment. And I’m constantly getting better.
I am talented. I love to write, draw, and sing. I do at least two of those things alright, and then one of them I’m really good at it. There is no reason I do not have more confidence in myself.
Still a work in Progress.