Misses Fixit, Fake Friends, and Fuck Off

Dear Reader, If you are reading this and think this is about you… Maybe it is.  Maybe you have treated your friend poorly, and should be asking to be welcomed back into the fray.

Dear Reader, If you read this and feel that maybe I’m a bit harsh, I suggest you realize that this is not the first time I’ve had to deal with this.

I had a wonderful weekend.  Gaming Friday night, yes that means I get to gaze at the . sun.  I enjoy that past time, and I know, I know I’ll likely go blind.  But it’s lovely, he’s lovely.

Went home, and had a dream, of which I wrote about before.  Did some soul searching, and realized that while I may want something, it’s likely never going to happen, and I should just be content with what I do have.

I was cold, and the sun warmed me up.  I received the first nice act I’ve had in a long time, because he loaned me his jacket until I warmed up.  If I’m being honest with myself, I knew it was just a nice gesture, and therefore I did not sniff it.

Besides, I’m not that kind of girlie girl. I did however, get warmer, and continue on in our RPG adventure into the 1940’s looking for the Necroplis in Egypt.

We played some games, we had some laughs, we shared a private joke, just ours.  It was nice, and it was wonderful.  I could live in those few little moments in the sun for quite a bit.  I was happy to not revel too much, nor to read anything into it.

Readers, I’m careful for 2 reasons. (personal grin).

  1. I’ve been beaten, broken, bloodied, physicall/spiritiually/mentally.  I am not ready to fall headlong into the madness that is a relationship.  I’m scared to attempt friends at this point, but I’ll do it, because it is demanded that I have companionship.  It’s a base human need.  (Go speak to Maslow it’s his fault not mine)
  2. If he were interested in me, I’d know more than just the small little nuances that happen now and again.  Oh, I do have parts of me that pick out that he held my hand a bit longer than was necessary for the handshake, or the jacket was a wonderful romantic gesture.  But while those things may be true in certain circumstances, that is not the case here.   I know this.  He is not at a point where any relationship other than the one he is still pining for is going to work.

But being me, I wanted to talk to some friends.  Of those friends, a handful were receptive and said that “it sounds like you had a good time.”  That’s all I wanted, I wanted it out of my system, and I could move on.

BUT that is not how a few reacted.  I do believe the conversation was “Man up, Ball up, Suck it up, and just tell him how you feel.  It’s not fair to lie to him, and let him thinking you want nothing, and then turn around and spring it on him.”

Readers, He knows.  I don’t mean he knows….  HE KNOWS.  Actual conversations between us often have ‘ I’ve told you before that you are an amazing man, and a great father, and i know you are not interested in me.. That’s fine, You are very attractive and should have the world at your fingertips.  I don’t know why shit happened the way it did, but you deserve so much better than the hand you’ve been dealth.”

Yes I pointed out IN that sentence that i know he’s not interested, because he’s not.  Nope not one bit, so instead of hoping against hope, I wanted to run through it, and get it out of my system, regurgitate it up like a cat does a hairball, and move on with my life.

But thanks to the friends who told me to man up, and suck it up.  To tell him, and that they are tired of hearing it.  I’ve been living in it, over and over again.  And I know, I’m not good enough for him.

And I’m really not.  I’m still busted, broken, and I don’t think there’s enough duct tape to fix me this time.  I’ll pull out the superglue later, and start with it.

So I’ll have to unfollow a few people, and see about them regaining my trust later.

IF you noticed I saved Misses Fix-it to last, there is a reason.  This is inherently part of who I am.  I want to make people smile, and laugh, and be generally happy.  I want to hug a person who’s feeling down, and I want to keep the pain to a minimum.  It’s part of why I’m a damn good nurse.

With that said, someone I know has been very down.  He has been right depressed, and just abysmally so.  I want nothing more than to give him a hug, and let him know it will be ok, and he will get over it in time.  Unfortunately, I’m too scared to do much about it, but that’s not the point.

I’m at a point where I fear that he would think that I am only trying to help to build an US up, and that’s not the case.  In fact, I just want him to be ok.

But that’s also not only the altruistic view that it seems.  I’ve lost two very good friends, due to depression, two that I had spent years talking to, helping out of depression.  This scares me far more than him thinking I like him, and never wanting to speak to me again.

The level of depression he shows is daunting.  He’s getting help, but I am still scared, so were my two friends.  This in and of itself is terrifying.  It’s not place to fix him, but I want to try to help.  It’s not my place to care this much over someone I’ve known only a handful of  months, but I do.

I totally blame the eye crinkles, he’s so cute when he laughs…

Finally, In closing, if you read this and fear I need a stern talking to, or that i’m suicidal, depressed, or need a quick call to kick my ass into gear, make sure you choose your words carefully, I’ve already cut off two friends since Sunday.

I am not suicidal, I am depressed, and I am very serious.   I welcome all calls, from all friends, but please refrain from telling me I’m stupid for my feelings. I’m not stupid.

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