Take me To Church

If you haven’t watched the video by this name by Hozier you are doing yourself a grave disservice.  If when you watch this video you do not immediately feel anger towards what you have seen, you are heartless.  How can you look at two people so in love and not see that love between them?

Love isn’t always between a man and a woman, it can be between anyone at anytime.  I have never fallen in love with a woman, but I do not feel that it is out of the realm of possibilities, NOR do I think anyone has a right to tell me otherwise.  My life= My decision, my business.

This video is so very real, raw, and unbridled that I cried when I watched it.  The song itself is so very moving that I had to watch the video. Then it changed this already powerful song to something amazing, awe inspiring, and even soul breaking.

However it was not broken in a sense that it will not be repaired.. I find this video actually helped fuse back together some of the remnants of the person I once was.

Say this with me now, I see no difference.  Black/White, Man/Man, Woman/Man, Woman, Woman, Transgender, nonTransgender.  Love is Love.

This comes the day after depression gnawed at me like a turning, twisting knife, because i was alone, and dealing with everyone else’s happy ending.  And while I was happy for those happy endings, I found myself shrouded with darkness.

I struggled all night long, lying to friends and loved ones alike that I was fine.  I was not fine, but after the night before, the struggle was my own.

I’m a strong person, I have dealt with depression so many times in my life, and still I’m here.  I’ve not given into the feelings that sometimes plague me.  However, after the phone call to the police Monday I feel I need to put that here, because yes those dark thoughts have resurfaced.

The shame I’ve felt since the abusive relationship, the fact that I’m not the healthy me anymore, and I’m seriously the fat thing that ate Madison Lang, those things are harsh and hateful.  They also make up most of my internal dialogue lately.

I keep fighting them, for every negative I think two positives, and most of the time it works.  But as a friend pointed out last night, He is lucky for he has known love.  I am unlucky, because every time I thought I knew love, I was wrong.  Oh how I was wrong.  And my heart is sorely broken, it’s been shattered and tacked back up with duct tape too many times.

It might be beyond repair today, this time.  Until that video.  I felt a piece pop back into place, because though it was fictitious and just a music video, these things have happened, and still do happen.  We are fighting this right now in our country, much less those that have it worse.

Hatred, bigotry, racism, they are all happening RIGHT NOW.  But that video picked up a piece and cemented it back to the wall of another shard, and another, until i had a sizeable piece to feel.  And… It… HURT..

Because there are people right now, who are dealing with the death of a loved one, the loss of a love, and I’m not able to make that pain stop, and i want to very much.  I want no one to feel the brokenness of a shattered heart.  I’m not able, and that hurts.

I may always be alone, if this feeling in my heart is any indication.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: