Heartbreak and Hand Grenades

A friend.  A friend I’d known since elementary school set us up.  He lived on one side of the country, and I in the middle.  We were only supposed to be friends.  We both knew that long distance rarely if ever worked, but we were going to be just friends.

Then his cousin had her wedding, and he needed a date.  So I ponied up the 500 dollars to fly up to him and off we went to this beautiful Catholic Wedding with an open bar at the reception, and i got quite a bit drunk.

We had such a great time together, that we started planning for the next trip.  It too would cost me at least 500 dollars to travel to the great white north, and as much as I wanted to spend another weekend with this ‘just friend.. Or maybe by then we were together i don’t know.  

I couldn’t afford 500 dollars, Christmas comes, and I buy not only he but his son a christmas gift, exactly what he asked for.  He got me a stuffed animal that I thoroughly enjoyed, oh and a River Song sonic screwdriver.

Time continues, life goes on, I lose my job, and spend the next summer when I would have been saving/going to see him again, I had to use it to survive until I find another job.  

This whole time I’ve been asking to have him visit me.  He’s been pressuring for me to move the 18 hours to live with him, but the agreement was that he’d visit me first.

Flash forward to the night of the broken office chair.  We’re talking about something or an another, probably whatever Bigfoot adventure he’s watching at this time, and suddenly his chair fell apart.  

He had a 200 dollar office chair and some random screw fell out, and the back fell off.  He scared me from 18 hours away with the anger and vitriol that spewed from his mouth.  He yelled so loud that I hung up.  I didn’t go back to the phone call.  I let it go to voicemail three times.

I’ve been abused and I didn’t want to deal with him/this/abuse again.  I finally calmed down, and he called back, and the apologies were plentiful.  He wasn’t yelling at me he was yelling at his dog, who was in the way of his fixing the chair.

But OH the CHAIR!  It was ruined.  “Madison, i don’t know how I’m going to make it, I have to work tomorrow and my chair is broken.”  He worked at home, I guess I can see how this was a bit of a problem. He was supposed to be saving to see me, but instead he spent at least 300 on an office chair, and then came the new job.

He was being paid 6 dollars more an hour than me, but still he would not visit.  Last Thanksgiving comes and goes, and on Black Friday, he dumps me.  Why?  Because I had a wreck the Friday before, and I refused to sue the idiot 21 year old that totaled my Caliber.

To his way of thinking I was hell bent on never moving there.  I had readily available funds that would allow me to move to be with him, but I was not ‘willing’.  To me, I just knew the kid didn’t mean to hit my parked car at 60 mph.  And he dumped me.  He said that I just had no intention of moving, and that I used him as a replacement for a car radio on the way home from work.

In reality I needed a companion, and with being in a relationship you have to be able to communicate, he had no interest in communicating with me.

Within a week we were back together, because he got that same mutual friend to tell me he was sorry.  The communication came back, and we started having a good friendship at least, or at least as good as a broken trust long distance relationship could get.  

For the first month, he would talk to me, and he would call me instead of me having to initiate every call.  At least every Monday through Thursday he’d make time to talk to me.  And I would go straight home from work, and on most days we’d speak all the way home my hour to an hour and 45 minute drive home.  

Then February happened.  I asked about him coming to visit here, to meet my family, and he said he wouldn’t have the money.  His dog was going blind, and he didn’t think he’d even have money for the gaming convention he wanted us to go to.  My reaction was simple, just come to visit me here, but that was sacrilege.  “That is not my idea of a good vacation.”

Without missing a beat I hung up on  him, it took only a few more minutes before I was done.  I’d dumped him, deleted from facebook and blocked him.

I’d spend the next week broken and in pain.  My heart hurt, my depression skyrocketed to new levels, (or old levels I’d rather they not go to again).  Once more as before our mutual friend convinced us to talk it out.

I told him I didn’t want to lose his friendship, I told him that his lack of communication was breaking my heart daily, and that his belittling my need for him to meet my family was the final straw.  I then said I’d be his friend, but that we were no longer dating, that I would no longer wait for him.

Within a week, he was back to his normal self, and planning a huge vacation.  His dog went blind, He spent a lot of money on that, and told me that the vacation was off.  I’d use the money I’d been saving for something I needed, car repair, or whatever.  

Then the next pay day he’d tell me the trip was back on.  Over and over, new glasses, no trip, dog again, no trip, kid needs new phone, no trip.  This keeps going until he finds out that I’m going to go see The Monkees with a couple of my best friends.   I had figured into my spendings just how much I”d need to take to the trip and still be able to go to the convention, IF there would be a convention.

So as soon as the trip was over,  I purchased my airline ticket to the convo, and we were ok again.  For a week, then something else came up and he wasn’t going to be able to go again.  I can’t even explain how upset i was, I don’t have the expendable income to lose the money for that ticket.  

I literally was afraid to go on the trip, but I went anyway because the con sounded fun.  He showed up and aside from no contact between us for the entire week, I had an ok time, when I was hanging out with my new friends mostly.

He didn’t understand that at 2pm I was hungry, and being as I was relying on the bus shuttles to get me to and from places I asked if he wanted lunch.  He did, but he didn’t want to wait on the bus.  He asks where the nearest mall is, or restaurant, and we were informed that the mall was 3 miles away.  

I’m diabetic and I was already low on the blood sugar scale, there was no way I could walk from the hotel 3 miles to the mall.  So I called my hotel, and the bus driver was enroute.  He(the bf) was angry and left to go to the mall.

Within 5 minutes The hotel bus shows up, and I get a phone call.  The Bf had found a subway just a street or two over, the Bus driver drove me over, and drove us back to the hotel.  (I tipped him ten bucks, because I literally wasted his time).

Over the course of the vacation I think I spent 150-200 dollars just tipping the guys that ran me around the town/from hotel to hotel and what not.

I could write pages over the things I did not get to do at the convention, or things that I did get to do by myself, or all the things I wanted to do that I passed out on because I was just exhausted.

But the trip was over he barely hugged me goodbye and I was out the door and into the van to the hotel, on my plane and on my way home.

That was August, This is December.  From August until now it’s been a downhill battle, from random women becoming his ‘best friends’ and he not speaking to me for days at a time, to anger because I interrupted his (laundry day, cleaning for his girls to come over for thanksgiving dinner, game night, television show, movie on the dvd player).  

The only reprieve was a brief time where we watched Teen Wolf Together.  That was very nice.

I started to play Warmahordes, and I’m trying to paint them and learn to do it well, but since the 26th of November I’ve had no interest in either playing or painting.  November 9th really cinched it.  When Trump won the presidency I was the anti-christ.  I did not vote for Hillary.  I did not vote for Trump, and I was the reason Trump won, not the fact that my decidedly red state went red.

I’ve been having panic attacks during the election because the videos i’d see of abortions, late term, where a doctor would literally slice a baby up to remove it.  I’d had numerous attacks because of the yelling and screaming of the people who were supposed to lead our country.

I have even had panic attacks caused by dreams of the future where we are in engaged in a 3rd world war, but to have to defend myself to the man I should be able to depend on, was just too much.

He distanced himself more and more, culminating with the mass cleaning of 2016, so his apartment was perfect for the two women he invited to Thanksgiving.  Not that I would have cared, but it would have been nice to know that at some point.

My nephew was born on the 25th and I was thrilled, wanted to share that with him, but he was at the game shop, so instead of calling him and revelling in the new baby, i just sent a pic.  We would have our last decent conversation that night, because Saturday was the end.  He threw a fit because he needed new shoes, and then told me I was the only one who could have a bad day.

Delete, unfriend, and cry.

And for the past week the depression has been immense.  I want to call him and tell him how awesome the 4 way crossover event was between the CW DcVerse.  I want to call him when I get off work to hear about how much he hates his job.  I want to do a lot of things, but I guess I’m not supposed to.  

I’m supposed to move on, and let’s be honest.  He’s not interested in me, if he were he’d have made time to come visit me too.

He’d have shown even a tiny bit of sexual interest when we were together for the first time in 3 years.

He’d likely have at the very least put forth some effort in keeping the relationship alive.

But he didn’t.  He doesn’t care about me.  And I just have to deal with it.

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