Sunshine daisies Butter Mellow, Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!



I pride myself on being pasty.  Pale as snow, white as a sheet of paper.  It’s something I’m good at.  I dislike the sun, I’ve got enough red in my hair and pink in my skin, to cause all manner of sunburns.


Maybe that’s why while sitting outside today in the warm March air, I felt out of place.  I have noted that more than once lately.  I feel all out of sorts almost daily.


It’s not the job.  I love my job.  I never thought I’d find a job I enjoyed this much.  I have a great boss now, awesome coworkers, and I seem to be a nicely snug fit cog in the wheel of this organization.  


But since time changed, I’ve just been off kilter.  Ok let’s be honest it started long before that.  A few weekends ago, I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding.  It was on a cruise ship out of Galveston.  I did not partake of the cruise.


I and a select group of my family drove 12 hours each way to go to the wedding, and that was by far not as unenjoyable as I thought it would be.  But the wedding.  Boy it was a roller coaster.


Hair and Makeup at 7, board the ship at 9.  And then.  And then.  I met Delores Umbridge herself.  No her name badge didn’t read that, but let’s be frank here.  If Delores Jane Umbridge was a real person, this woman fit the bill.  


Sickly sweet voice that just grated my nerves so badly I wanted to scream even at initial meeting.  Her job was to make sure everything went off without a hitch.  She was the Event Planner.  And this high inquisitor was more than anyone should have to deal with.  Especially when that someone is me, with limited sleep, after hours on the road.  The day passed in a blur, and I had a heavy ass purse, a box of shoes, and some hose.  


We didn’t get boarded until 1030.  After that fiasco the real shenanigans would begin.  But back up a tick, my dress didn’t fit.  My pretty bridesmaid dress was too big in the bodice.  I’ve never had that problem before, but between the strapless bra, and the bunchy top I was already more than a little anxiety ridden.


After boarding it became quickly apparent that I would not do well with Cruises.  Thousands of people were already on board.  We were lead to the bowels of the ship where my cousin would go to get dressed for her wedding.  I was given free reign of the place for the next hour or so.  We checked out the food bar for a quick snack.


The food all tasted the same.


Every bite tasted like the last, the only thing that had even the slightest flavor was the honey mustard for the chicken strips.  I again blame anxiety.


I was shaking, and dizzy, and and and.  I was just fucking overwhelmed.  I wanted to be smiley and happy, and don’t let me mess up my makeup I took whole minutes applying it!


After we filled our gullets with subpar dining, I and my overly heightened emotional anxiety addled state went to the tiny little hole in the ship they had for the wedding.


Umbridge came back.  She had us walk through the ceremony twice, and instructed me how to hold my bouquet.  By that I mean she grabbed it and forced it down until it hurt my shoulders. I glared at her.  Then she mentioned that I should smile it was a happy day. (in that fake falsetto syrupy sweet voice)


The wedding happened.  My cousin looked beautiful, and the spitting image of Adele.  The vows were exchanged, and we walked out.  Before we could leave the tiny claustrophobia inducing room, we were herded back in like water buffalo.


“Pictures!!  It is time for Pictures!”  That diabetes inducing voice again.  I would sit for the next twenty minutes while Umbridge called everyone up, my entire family, but me.  Anxiety+ Hunger+ claustrophobia + severe dislike of this idiotic oompa loompa = one pissed off, crying Maddy.


Maddy crying for no reason other than the tears just wouldn’t stop.  


Fast forward to the speeches at the dinner, and I tore my left calf muscle.  GOOD GOD IT HURT.  The pain was worse than anything I could imagine at that moment.  More pictures and finally my family was gone.  Oh the group that was cruising was still there, but not the group I was driving home with.


I walked (hobbled, hurt) to the elevator on the ship to see where the exit was and Umbridge trailed behind me crying my name.  After many terse words, and very unlady like language.  I was done.  I hugged the bride.  I wobbled off the boat, down the mile of ramp, and made it to my father, who was waiting on me.  
As I reached the waiting area, I realized.  I left those ruddy shoes.  Well good riddance, they weren’t comfortable anyway.

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