Suicide is on my mind a lot lately.

I can tell you every step of everything I’d do.  There’s about ten ways I could do it in this room right now. I won’t bring you all the particulars, I won’t make you sit through my thoughts of blackness, and rain.  I just felt I should write this down.

Fuck.

I don’t know if I’ll even post this.

I just know I need a change, a big change or else those 10 or so things are going to keep looming and swimming closer. I want to believe it’s just the chantix.  I know it’s not. This is not a new thing.  I’ve been here at the edge staring at the chasm a million times.

I shouldn’t be here now.  I’ve taken too many antidepressants the first time, I’ve planned out intricate plans and attempted to do them, and each time I’d say “I’m too weak to do it properly”.  That’s not true, I know that. I am strong enough to not do it.

I hope I always will be. I have great kids in my life, my nieces and my nephew, and though it’s looking more and more like i’ll never have my own, I can find a way so that it’s ok.  (or at least I keep telling myself that)

I thought by now I’d nearly be graduating my first kid, but no… No one even looked at me in highschool.  There was nothing wrong with me then, but apparently I was not approachable.

Then around 21 I realized I could go to bars, and I’d meet people there, but they didn’t want the 22 year old virgin. She’d fall in love and they’d never get rid of her.

Except that didn’t happen. Once I finally lost that status I just didn’t form that attachment.   not until I met Fish Boy.  I fell hard.  As you do.

He wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t good enough for him. Same shit differen’t words.  We didn’t work out.

Then there was an old failed attempt at a relationship that came back around, after many many stupid nights with stupid men and not a single attachment was made. The second attempt had very little attachment, and I moved along at an alarming rate, but no I did not have a date for nearly two years.  Then internet dating happened and I had a date or two that didn’t go so hot.  And found the Cowboy.

I wasn’t in love, but I liked him and when he disappeared for a week it was pretty rough, by the time he came back around I could give two shits less about him.

In and out, in and out, round and round stupid is as stupid does.

I ended up in an abusive relationship, and felt like i deserved it, but i’m pretty sure I never really loved him.  I have a great guy but he’s ages away on the other side of the US, and I want to be with him.

IT’s forever away he has commitments, and I have commitment issues.  i mean who wouldn’t.  I’m so freaking depressed lately and there is no one who cares enough to listen.  They’ve all heard it before and they know i’m not going to do it, just a lot of talk.

Today I took my nephew to a cousin’s kid’s birthday party, because his parents had things to do, and I wanted to make sure he got to go.  I live with him afterall it wasn’t that big a deal.  I’m exhausted.  My ankle is swollen and turning colors and I still don’t know how I hurt it.  I’m not used to being mom, and I tried real hard.  He’s fine, and he had a great day so I think I did an ok job right?

I’ve only ever raised teenagers/preteens.  And he’s not mine so I am just his aunt.

I dont know this is a lot of fucking rambling and I’m sorry if you’ve read this far.

maddy