Just what brings such awesomeness into my life you might be asking? Well honestly I don’t know if you’re asking or not, but I know I am. I’ve had such a wonderful time both online and offline with real winners. So today, instead of regaling you with a date, I thought I’d regale you a man whom did not make the cut. I have to have some standards after all.
Our first foray into the rejected list is (Mentally fumbles around through a big glass ball of names):
Mr. Name Dropper.
It was a Friday, and I was en route to buy fried fish for the family. It was the decided upon meal of choice for the lot of us (that being a father, a sister, and a nephew). I drove a few miles to pick up the meals, and as I sat waiting for the fish I received a message through the site app.
ND: I love your photos, you are gorgeous! I too like star trek more than star wars, I love Doctor Who and my favorite incarnation is probably the one with the celery, though the new stuff is good too. I see that you’re a nurse, and I find that’s an admirable profession. I’m ex-military, and a former police officer. I enjoyed your profile, please take a look at mine, and write back if you are interested.
I feel the need to stop right here for a second and let that original message sink in. For the most part, it was a perfect message. He had actually READ my profile, and his profile was very similar to my own. So the only problem I saw was that he didn’t know the name nor the number of the doctor In question, but it seemed such a small thing I let it go.
I wrote back almost instantly, and the lines of communication were clearly drawn. We chatted back and forth for almost 24 hours when he asked if I would allow him to call me. I gave him my cell phone number and we started to talk in earnest then.
The first thing I noted about this man, was his voice. Non-distinct dialect wasn’t enough to qualify it. He sounded like Data from TNG. The first sentence he spoke was fantastical.
ND: I used to work on Star Trek.
I know readers, I’ve never said where I’m from, but I can assure you I’m nowhere near Paramount Studios, so this revelation was far-fetched. I must have grown quiet, because he cleared his throat loudly, before continuing.
ND: My girlfriend and I at the time were working on costuming and when we got everything just right, our contact at Paramount wanted photos of people wearing them. So naturally, I put the suit on and sent it in. I then received communications that the photo needed the backdrop of the bridge, so I found one online and photoshopped myself onto it. When I sat that as my icon on Myspace the company that had made the image sued me. I just used a photo, and they sued me. I was worried so I contacted my employer, you know Paramount Studios, Star Trek. I was shuffled through person after person, until finally this amazingly familiar voice comes on the line. It said “It’s taken care of, don’t worry ND.”
I of course couldn’t believe that without verification so I asked for his credentials you see. The voice on the phone said “I’m Eugene Roddenberry, Gene was my dad. I run this company, and we’ll take care of it.”
I played along, as if I believed him, and who was I to say he wasn’t telling the truth. I asked whatever happened, and true to form he said “they handled it.” I thought that would be where the name dropping stopped, but alas I was wrong.
ND: So the first time I met Brent Spiner, you know Data from Star trek, well I guess you noticed I don’t sound like I originate here. The first time I met him, he threatened to have security remove me from his presence.
Now this one actually intrigued me a little. I actually thought, hold on we’ve got a badass here. But again I was wrong.
ND: He thought I was making fun of his accent, until we both realized we had similar upbringings, and our parents were from similar areas, and it made sense that we sounded similar. He and I hang out now at least three or four times a year, and if he’s ever in this area he calls me up. Same thing with Wil Wheaton, he calls me often to come over and try his new brew. Did you know he brews his own beer.
I must interject, yes, I knew that. No I don’t believe he does that, and you are an idiot. These are the thoughts that resounded through my head, but I did not say them as he was entertaining, and I was bored. I know that makes me a bitch, but hey we all have needs, and I wanted to talk to someone that made me laugh.
ND: So you don’t live that far from me, Why don’t we get together and see what happens some time? Or I could maybe come up one night on your lunch break and we could neck in my car.
I actually was kind of nervous now, not only did he know I was a nurse, he knew that I lived near him. It wouldn’t take much detective work to find which hospital I worked at. And he was obviously nuts. I told him rather quickly that no, we could not neck in the car, and if we were to meet it would be later on, much, much later on. (And possibly with lots of alcohol consumed, and every brain cell I had falling asleep on the job.)
I thought we’d ended the conversation there that night, but once he’d gotten to work at the Hotel he started to message again. Regaling me with stories of how he’s related to Christopher Reeve, and how the photo he has people generally stop talking to him, because he looks like him so. No, I’m fairly certain people stopped speaking to him because he was annoying.
The photo he sent was of an overly skinny man, with balding blonde hair, and thick birth-control glasses. He’d actually picked out those frames. And not one single attribute to his facial shape showed me Superman. It didn’t even show Clark Kent, which is who he should have been referring.
Me: So why couldn’t I come down to your town? It’s a bit bigger, more things to do.
ND: Oh because we’d have nowhere to go afterwards. My ex is at home, and so is my 12 year old daughter.
Me: You still live with your ex-wife?
ND: Well yea, it’s much more economical, she does her own thing, I do mine, and my daughter has the benefit of having both her parents at all times.
Me: But your divorced..
ND: Yes, she has her room, I have mine.
ME: I.. I… I gotta go.
He messaged once once more before I stopped all communication. He was on his way to a comic con, and was thrilled that he’d get to meet Nathan Fillion of Castle. I actually made the comment I”ll go out with you, if you get me an autograph. He made some lame ass excuse about how you have to have a token to get an autograph, but pictures were free. So as he hasn’t shown up with Nathan’s autograph I’m certainly not going to go against my gut feelings and go out with him.
The next time he called, I let it go to voicemail, the next time he messaged I ignored. It’s now been four months, and he still occasionally texts an awkward “I miss you.” Or the ever regrettable “I want to kiss you all over.” I always handle it the same way, close my eyes, count to ten and delete.