The one who wished he was a little bit taller…

For every woman who has ever online dated, or even online perused a dating site, there will be a similar story to this.  You know the one.  Guy messages girl, guy’s page isn’t deplorable so girl messages back.  Conversation begins, and the girl finally accepts meeting the guy only to find out he’s a liar.

Yes we’ve all been here, but here’s my story:

It was around August, and I’d been talking ALBT for about two weeks online.  He was hilarious, he actually had me crying with tears a time or two, so the change to phone was appropriate.  He had a nice voice, with one of those non distinct accent.  He had timing that rivaled the best comedians.  I thoroughly enjoyed his conversations, and would find myself hoping that he would call again.

He asked me out on a Friday night, spontaneously.  It was around 8 when he made the comment “Why don’t we meet up at the bar in your town, and have a couple of drinks, and see where this goes.”  I wasn’t looking for a one night stand, but I said sure, as it’d been far too long since I’d had a good date.

Flash back a moment.  Let’s go to his profile: He said that he was 5 ‘7.  Let me say that again.  He SAID he was 5’7.  Ok now with that out of my system, I digress.

I took a few minutes to fix my hair, apply some make up,  and off I went like a rocket.  I made it to the bar long before he did, finally deciding to wait inside.  The last message I received said

Txt:  Eta 5  minutes

Who actually texts like that?  And wait, did this mean he was texting and driving?  I really wasn’t cool with that. (I’m still not sure that this is not a total black flag to a date, but it’s damn near it.)

Luckily, I didn’t have to long to ponder it as the time was nigh, the door opened to the outer room of the bar, and I see this face from his profile.  I had not been drinking yet, but something seemed off.  I knew rather quickly as he crossed the lobby to stand before me… I could see over his head. In fact!  I could see the balding area on the top of his head.

And though the face was similar to the photo,  in person he was much stranger, a lot less handsome than photogenic.  In all actuality he had a bit of a rat-like quality to his body shape, and even face shape.

Let’s go back to the bald spot.  Balding I guess would be nicer, but this is not the place for niceness it’s for reality. That lead me to doing the math. I’m 5’4.  Unless he measured himself on the moon, he’s not ever going to be 5’7. So I have a momentary battle with myself.  Do I stay and talk to ALBT or do I turn around and act as if I were meeting another friend at the now, near empty bar?  I swallowed my pride, and the rather angry part of me for being lied to.  I had determined earlier that I was due a fun night, and by the GODS I would have one.

We sat at a table  and each ordered a drink. I got a bar special called an Alien Urine Sample, he had a Long Island Iced Tea.  We started to talk, or rather he began to talk, I began to drink and listen.  He was a spewing fountain of jokes and stories, and he even had an impromptu rap session. (If you think that sounds bad, it was worse.)

At the end of the night we stood outside and he finished telling me of his life on the hard streets of Chicago, and how he never joined again because he was too bad ass to choose, they all just respected him.  He decided to move here for a new life.

I had enough.  I could take no more, but unfortunately I was apparently unable to say no.  He and I drove around for awhile longer, and though I was dreadfully bored, he continued to talk.  I finally ended the date by complaining on how sleepy I was. I finally escaped with my ears not bleeding.

The next day he called to thank me for the date, and to impart some very important information.

ALBT:  Thanks for last night, I had fun, but I honestly don’t see myself ever having sex with you.  You are obviously well over  250 lbs,  and I have a bad back.
Me:  What’s that got to do with the price  of tea in china..And I’m not 250.(I didn’t want to have sex with such a ratfink anyway)
ALBT:  Well  I just think it’s better to be up front. It’s not that I’m not into you, it’s just I got this bad back,and… I only like cowgirl anyway.
Me:  twitch…
ALBT:  However I’d gladly be your oral partner. I love oral.  And if you ever need a foot  rub you have amazing feet.
Me: twitch…

As I was literally seeing red I’m afraid I don’t know what I said as I hung up the phone, but I’m fairly certain it had something to do with being a Rat Faced Midget…

A few weeks later, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in years, and while catching up ALBT messaged for the first time since the incident.  My friend grew white, all 7 feet of him.  He begged me to tell him that I had not been dating ‘that wackjob’.

I truthfully answered, no we were not dating, and then “Why is he a wackjob?”

“Maddy!  He’s the guy that stole people’s information to call women.  You know from the tax place?”

I must have looked as confused as I felt, because he continued.  “He would get the home phone numbers for the girls that worked at the pizza shop, whatever personal info he could, and he would call them and bug them and ask them out.  Finally a few of the underage girls told Mom (she owns the pizza shop) and she contacted their parents.  It was a whole big mess.  He got fired because of it.”  I sat there for quite awhile sick to my stomach.  I thanked my friend and was glad I’d washed my hands of ALBT.

Keep reading: Up next is …. undecided atm…. But will be posted soon.

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